Infertility is defined as the inability to get pregnant after a year of trying. We are infertile. There, I said it and man is that hard to really tell myself! Ouch! I am such an independent person, who doesn’t like help with almost anything, and the fact that I can’t have a baby on my own is something really hard for me to grasp. But, I have had to remind myself that I am not in control of things and have prayed for God’s will to be done in His timing. Ouch, again! I am such an organized, type A person that for something not to happen on my schedule is not okay! It has been a long year, with some ups and many downs, but God has taught me a lot about patience and surrendering all of my worries, fears, and desires to Him and Him alone.
With that being said, last week I went to a new ob-gyn…I already knew that I would be transferring to another doc whenever we did get pregnant because my old doc had retired from delivering. I was a little frustrated with this old practice, and decided I wanted a second opinion and fresh start with someone new. My new doctor was able to work me in pretty fast and, after my appointment last Friday, I have a new sense of hope. I really really liked her and agreed with her plan for our fertility. I have had various labs drawn over the past year and she was able to review them and, along with my check-up, was able to say that there is not any medical reason she can find that is preventing me from ovulating. So, at her recommendation, I started Clomid that day…it just so happened that where I was in my cycle was the time to start this medication. Chances are nothing will happen this month, which is fine because what’s another month/cycle since we’ve been waiting awhile anyways!? (On a side note, I vow to never take birth control again during my childbearing years, because I am convinced this little pill is what messed up my otherwise normal, healthy cycles!)
Over the year, there have been numerous times I’ve wondered Why us? and have been upset, angry, annoyed, frustrated, jealous, and irritated…not feelings I want to have at all! That’s the ugly side of struggling with infertility. Most of the time (I hope) I am optimistic, hopeful and hold tight to my faith…whatever the reason that God has not blessed us with a baby yet we will never know, but I know He’s got a plan for us and our family.
I’ve come to realize that I can’t do everything on my own. While I thought that praying for God’s timing was the right thing, I’ve also found peace with the fact that I/we can’t conceive naturally on our own and taking this medicine is right for us… it’s all in His plan. I also think it is important and therapeutic to talk to others about infertility issues, because the more people I talk with, the more people I hear of having similar struggles. We’re not alone in this, and in that I find some comfort.
It’s crazy to think that with taking Clomid, our hopes and dreams of becoming a little one’s Mommy and Daddy are potentially now within our reach. Having a family is so important to Chris and I, and we’ve been hoping and praying for this for so long! My emotions range from nervous to excited to oh-my-gosh can this really finally happen?
Whatever God has planned for us, I’m glad we’re on a journey with Him and we are patiently waiting…
